Should.
“Should I write a blog post the day before Thanksgiving, the holiday that launches what is the largest consumer season (and my least favorite aspect) of the year?”
“Should I celebrate this particular holiday, when it represents colonization and genocide for so many?”
“Should I be grateful just because the holiday on the calendar says so?”
These are just a few of the questions that popped into my mind as I sat down to write this. The answers are complicated. However, I am grateful. Not because I should be, but because I genuinely have a lot to be grateful for, all year round. And at this particular moment, some very specific things…
I wrapped up a Postpartum Doula Training last Saturday, and one of the participants surprised me at the end with a digital folder filled with quotes that she had stealthily gathered throughout our three days together and combined with my logo, which she swiped from the internet (forgiveness fully given in the absence of permission!). Receiving such a thoughtful gift filled me with so much gratitude that tears sprung down my cheeks.
One of those files is the image at the top of this post. It’s a concept I learned somewhere along the way, from whom I can’t recall. Over the years it has become a phrase I use often, not only in my workshops and classes, but also internally when I catch myself “shoulding” on myself or others. Should is not just a word, but a potential projection of expectations, judgements, and attitudes.
/SHo͝od,SHəd/
verb
- used to indicate obligation, duty, or correctness, typically when criticizing someone’s actions.”he should have been careful”
- used to indicate what is probable.”$348 million should be enough to buy him out”
As doulas we need to be very careful not to “should” on our clients, or ourselves.
It is such an easy trap to fall into… A client doesn’t feed their baby or sleep with/without their baby way we think they should. They may be using a style of parenting or a method we think they shouldn’t.
As for shoulding on ourselves, the examples are endless. I should have found more clients by now. I should have said this or done that in my last client visit. I should add more certifications and services to my offerings. I should write three blog posts a month (that one sounds vaguely familiar.)
Shoulda, coulda, woulda. Any way you slice it, should-ing is not necessarily the gift we want to give this season. Don’t get me wrong, it ain’t easy… I’ll be shoulding all over corporate retail for its promotion of unchecked consumption and sunk-cost goods with devastating environmental impact. And while I’m at it, I’ll be shoulding all over my colonizing ancestors. (I’m a real joy to be around this week.)
Compassion, patience, kindness, companionship, support- those are the true gifts, for ourselves and others. I am deeply grateful for all of the doulas and clients who have crossed my path, shared these precious gifts, and perhaps offered feedback but did not should on me.
Wishing you all a should-free, gratitude inducing holiday.
